What we can control...
In prison and out
When something painful happens, it’s easy to start obsessing about why it happened and what could have been done differently. But the first step doesn’t depend on whose fault it is or how anyone contributed. If I get shot through the chest with an arrow it doesn’t matter if I started a fight or someone else started a fight or if it was an accident. What matters is removing myself from danger, getting medical attention and healing. Only then can I start to look at who did what.
Even then it takes two to tango. To engage in a restorative process, all parties have to be on board. I can’t fix what someone else does or thinks or feels. All I can do is bring myself to the table, make amends, and if they won’t join me, I can choose to take care of myself.
In prison I learned to remove my ego from things and see what I could and couldn’t do. Lots of years of that helped me get into a place where I could take care of myself and actually help de-escalate situations around me. When I got out to the wider world, I felt like a kid again. The new level of vulnerability, intimacy and complexity felt alien.
Recently I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. That never happened in prison, or it only happened once with a long distance relationship. Both then, and now, I fell into that old pattern of trying to understand why and how I could fix things. I was ignoring the arrow jutting out of my chest.
Growing up I always felt like it was my responsibility to take care of other people, even to my own detriment. I’ve read a lot of books and done a lot of therapy but, under stress, I go right back to that place. So, it’s time to learn, again, that the only thing I can control is myself. It’s also OK to take care of myself first. They tell you to put your oxygen mask on first so you can better help others. Every time I try to do that I feel guilty. Part of the learning is realizing that feelings aren’t facts. Just because I feel guilty doesn’t mean I should feel guilty or that I’m doing anything wrong. The other part is trusting the process and making different decisions because I want different outcomes.
It sucks. It’s painful. It’s also the only way to move forward.