Searching

Everyone looks like they know what they're doing

In prison, I grew into the best version of myself I had ever been. That inhospitable place became my mental, physical and spiritual boot camp.

I got in better shape physically. I read more. I meditated every day. I learned that I had knowledge and ability to share with others.

Even as I accomplished things I didn’t imagine - earning a bachelor’s degree and becoming a licensed electrician - I doubted myself in comparison to people in the world. I thought, “Yeah, I’m OK in prison, but how am I going to keep up with people out there.”

Then I got out and saw that the people I had looked up to had the same clay feet I did. People struggled. People doubted themselves. People were just making it up as they went.

These days I get outreach from people I was locked up with, people on the internet or people in my local community. They often ask how I figured it all out? How I’m doing so well? How I knew xyz?

I often laugh because I am still asking myself the same question as everyone else. I have figured out what’s right here in front of me but the rest of the world seems like an enigma wrapped in a blanket of mystery. I am doing well in some areas of my life and often that sparks a deep examination of other areas where I feel like I’m lacking. It’s like a whack-a-mole where no success or accomplishment can stand for long before another doubt or question pops up.

Even as I walk on stage to speak to a school or a prison or a conference, I find myself plagued with thoughts or doubts that have nothing to do with what I’m speaking about. Yes, I can talk about the criminal legal system and improvements we can make, but what do I actually want out of a relationship? Yes, I can teach about grit and resilience and putting one foot in front of the other, but how will I find the time to do all of the tasks that bring up imposter syndrome with me?

I have to laugh. Just as everyone else seems to have it figured out, I still have the delusion that I’ll one day have it figured out, or that I’m supposed to. When I laugh it shrugs off the weight of seriousness. I can see myself for who I am in that moment - flawed, curious, genuine person. My life isn’t about the answers, it’s about the questions. Who I am is not in the conclusions I draw, but in the journey to that one day may lead to them (only for 1000 more questions to pop up).

So, today I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to not know. I’m grateful to doubt and be afraid because it means I have more to learn and more to explore.