Relationship Mistakes

(Hoping You Don't Make Them Too)

In prison I saw a culture of blame. Every time something went wrong, people banded into different groups to blame each other. There was very little focus on accountability and so a lot of conflict didn't lead to a lot of learning.

One of my friends, who I valued deeply, was my "caller in chief." She would call me on my stuff, whether I was 99% responsible for the equation, or 1%. That allowed me to continue to grow and learn, even in situations where I acted mostly or almost completely consistent with my values.

My recent relationship and breakup has been a wakeup call on this front. From my perspective: after years of dating and not knowing what I was looking for or why people make the decision to pick and stick with a partner, I met someone. We had actually met the year before. I knew she was smart and attractive and that I liked her but I had that same question of "what makes someone choose that one person."

Then we went on a road trip. I had a speaking engagement out of town and she joined me. Two hours talking on the way down, a night of adventure and two hours talking on the way back and something shifted. I realized I was feeling something I wasn't used to.

Things went along and they were great. We planned a trip. We even talked about investing in a rental property so we could build a little bit of wealth and have a place to go away to together.

Then, out of nowhere, she ghosted me. A few days later she called and said, "I can't give you the kind of relationship you want." It was over.

I was devastated. I started reaching out, thinking I could fix it. I just wanted to understand what had happened. This little kid in my chest thought it was his responsibility and that he needed to figure out how to make it right.

Unfortunately, as I know now, that was the very opposite effect to anything that would possibly work. Because, as I learned, I had fallen in love with someone who had avoidant attachment. I felt it as cruel to suddenly break things off. She felt my attempts to fix and save things as an attack.

The signs were there. She told me things about past breakups, about how she ghosted people or just couldn't deal. I was in a fantasyland though and thought, “We are different. Things will be different for us.”

After days and nights of feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and continuing to reach out, she started responding with anger and accusations and what felt like hatred. I just couldn't understand how this woman who had shown me so much love, who I had shown so much love, could turn so completely. Then she blocked me.

After a lot of heartache and confusion, I did a deep dive on avoidant attachment, and I started to understand. I remember the cracking of her voice and the sadness in it when she said she couldn't give me the relationship I wanted. She felt overwhelmed and felt insecure and felt like she wasn't able to show up for me.

What she needed was time and space to self regulate. People with avoidant attachment pull away and focus on themselves. To the rest of us, it often feels like total abandonment and brings up any anxious attachment potential we have. I spun out completely in a way I never had before. Just like I had felt love in a way I never had before.

I've run through in my head just how different things could have been. When she broke up with me, if I told her that I loved her and that I have a great life and even if it's better with her in it I want her to have a great life too so I want her to do whatever she needs to be healthy and happy, things could have been different.

They wouldn't have just been different for her, because she would have been able to pull back and self-regulate and come to a place of calm. They would have been different for me, because I would have come back into myself, I would have focused on myself and my needs and continuing to make sure my life really is great.

I do feel sadness and regret that I wasn't able to show up in a better way for her and for myself. I also didn't know. I can look back and say that I should have followed the signs and done a deep dive on avoidant attachment earlier. I can look back and wish things were different. They aren't though. I am here and my only choice is to move forward rather than backward.

The other question is, even if it felt really amazing, do I want the challenges of building a life with someone who not only isn't compatible, but who hasn't made the adult decision to dive into therapy and then be able to communicate her style and her needs to her partner. I discovered that I was one in a long line of men who had the exact same experience. Part of me wants to be the hero, the one who could make it work or could save her from her tendency to run. That's arrogant and stupid though. Relationships are not about heros. They are about equals.

So, I look and see that I learned a lot in a short period of time. I do still feel sadness that this woman is not in my life and that I don't see a path where she will be. Every time I reached out, she took it as pressure, then as an attack. She felt like she just needed space and thought I should understand that and that the only reason I would keep reaching out was because I was being cruel. That's my part in this. By not knowing, I did cause harm. By reaching out in desperation, I took someone else'e ability to regulate away. I didn't know, but it is still my responsibility moving forward.

My goal is to not only learn from this so I could, potentially, apply it with a future partner who is avoidant attached. My goal is to learn so that I can focus more on myself and not losing myself in another person or in the good another person makes me feel. My goal is to be able to share this with others so that they may not make the same mistakes or deal with the same guilt I have. My goal is to do better, whether I was 99% or 1% of the conflict.