Being an author

I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up...still don't

As a kid I was envious of people who know what they want to do. I saw the dedicated pianist or the motivated knitter and I felt like they had clarity about their lives that I never did.

So, I never dared to have the dreams that other people did, not even the fanciful ones. I never dreamed of being a rock star or writing a best-selling novel. I never imagined myself in the white house or on the cover of a magazine.

Instead, I imagined ways to stay small and out of the way. I thought the less attention I got, the better.

At the same time, I would have these uncharacteristic bursts of creativity and extraversion.

Over years in prison I found myself becoming someone different. When I look back, I don’t think I was changing. I actually think I was uncovering.

Because, looking back, I always loved to write. I always loved to create and laugh and joke. Somewhere along the way I lost the spark and I lost the courage to show up as I wanted. Instead, I felt like I had to become what someone or something else wanted.

It’s strange that, in a place of great lack and hopelessness, I found the space and time to uncover parts of myself that had seemed lost. Sometimes we respond to the worst times by showing up as our best selves. I like to think that’s what I did.

A decade or so into my prison sentence I completed a career course designed by my Zen teacher. It was called “Careers with Heart.” The goal wasn’t to find what we were best at, but to find what was most aligned with who we are, what we value and how we best show up.

After the course I had laid out a plan that I would one day be a writer, would work with people one-on-one and would do public speaking to inspire and inform. It seemed like a pipe dream. I wondered what was wrong with the course. More likely, something was wrong with me.

Yet, as I unpacked the boxes of early author copies of my book The Best Part of Prison and refected on the fact that I’m going to speak at the Sundance film festival next week and had a call with one of the people I mentor, the reality hit me in a different way. I really have become the person I believed I could be. That course didn’t just change my plans. It changed the way I saw myself. It helped me uncover and begin to become who I was always meant to be.

So, thank you James. Thank you everyone who has helped me and believed in me and held me accountable. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.

Your turn. =)